fucking mental
"All your insults, and your curses, make me feel like I'm not a person. And I feel like, I am nothing."
Rubyinlajolla: My brother is back in jail.
Fr0st 23: ugh :(
Rubyinlajolla: he probably wont be getting out for a long time this time.
Rubyinlajolla: and, my mom is all like, this is cause your dad died. blah blah.
Rubyinlajolla: and im all "no, its not, I'm sort-of O.K."
Rubyinlajolla: and shes defensive with Yeah, but, you didn't really need your Dad, and its harder cause he's aboy..
Rubyinlajolla: which.... was stupid.
Rubyinlajolla: And, shes all like, You are over your Dad's death, which is so far beyond the truth.
Rubyinlajolla: and, shes basically saying that all of chris's problems are cause of the way my dad treated him as a child, and cause he died.
Fr0st 23: like
Rubyinlajolla: And I'm all WTF? HEllo? what about me here?
Fr0st 23: well
Fr0st 23: she probably like
Rubyinlajolla: like I didnt suffer too?
Fr0st 23: talked herself intto that, so that she doesn't feel like she's a bad parrent and stuff, ya know ?
Rubyinlajolla: but, my mom ISNT a bad parent. thats the thing.
Rubyinlajolla: im ok, and so is john.
Rubyinlajolla: its just chris.
Fr0st 23: i know she's not, im just sayin, she probably doesn't want it to feel like its her fault, and maybe this just makes it easier
Fr0st 23: i dunno, im dum.
Rubyinlajolla: its ok paul.
Rubyinlajolla: =
Rubyinlajolla: I just feel like I'm a total head case. you know?
Rubyinlajolla: I mean, I cry, all the time. And, I don't know why.
Rubyinlajolla: And, I don't know what the fuck to tell jacob.
Fr0st 23: =
Fr0st 23: i wish u were still here
Rubyinlajolla: I do too sometimes.
Rubyinlajolla: I feel not so vounerable there. Ya dig?
Fr0st 23: jah
Rubyinlajolla: Like, if I could just be at my house. Or in my back yard at the place I used to just sit on hot summer nights with my friends.
Rubyinlajolla: or have someone pick me up, and we could just drive arround.
Rubyinlajolla: or have someone just hold me. for so long.
Rubyinlajolla: and, I dont want jacob to do any of that.
Rubyinlajolla: I mean, when I want Jacob to hold me. Its different
Rubyinlajolla: Sometimes. I just want to be held by a friend.
I feel abandoned. Lost. Alone. Tossed aside. Looked over.
I seriously think that I am a total head case. I'm not even kidding.
I really think that what my Dad did to me really screwed me up mentally. Now, I'm not one of those whiny fucks that sits arround and says that their life is so terrible because of their parents and they are on drugs/welfare/serial killer because of the way they were treated as a child. I really believe that you can overcome that, and do better. I, am.
My father abused me. Nearly everyday. He almost killed me over a dozen times. I don't know why he didn't. He LOOKED for reasons to beat me. I wasn't a BAD kid. He would beat me because my light in my bedroom was on when he came home from work at night. He would litteraly drag me out of my bed, and punch me.
One mothers day, he held a knife to my throat becase the toast wasn't toasted enough. I was 10.
In a way. His death was so fortunate. It ment no longer having to live in a state of constant fear. It ment no more beatings. No more bruises or blood. But, in the same token, he was gone. He was never comming back.
I loved him. I still do. And I still miss him. The wound is 4 years old. I thought I healed. That I moved on. But really, I just covered it up. It just scabbed over for a while. But, I think I am beginning to see, that I never grieved enough. My mother was beside herself. She had just lost her husband in an explosion. She had 3 kids to raise, a car payment, a mortgage, and a demanding job. She could have lost it all. But, she held it together. I felt like I needed to be strong for my Mother. Like I needed to help her through it. That I couldn't let this be the end of her. I was her rock.
I still feel that way. I still feel like I am protecting her. From what I'm not sure. I'm trying to protect her from Chris I guess. And, from anymore pain. My mother is the strongest person I have ever known. And, I don't blame any of my problems on her.
I have often said that alot of my problems stem from putting others before me. But that is just in my nature. I care too fucking much about everyone that I've ever met. That really sucks hard.
I've been keeping an offline journal for about a week now. I had a huge mental breakdown about a week ago. I was just in a sour mood, and I cried for 2 hours in bed. Jacob pushed (more like gently nudged) me to tell him why I was so sad. I went on, for 6 hours, sobbing, and telling him about every single detail of my childhood. I called off work the next day, and went to the beach.
I wish I had health insurance. I need to see a shrink.
I'll post some of my paper journal entrys online. And, you can see what a head case I really am.
<--Was * Is-->
Visit Jacob and Shannon's wedding page
Last 5:
older isn't always wiser - Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2006
- - Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2006
- - Sunday, Dec. 04, 2005
I'm maried!!! - Monday, Sept. 19, 2005
Next week I'll be a wife - Monday, Sept. 05, 2005
