hurt
Where to begin.
I'll start on a positive note, since the rest of the entry is rather negitive. I added a guest book. Comments, food, questions, sexual favors, and the like are encouraged. Your guestbook entry may even score you a cameo in my diary.
[End positive transmition. Just consider the next part a different entry.]
*turns on Staind*
My only, for lack of a better term, sanity right now is music. Especially(sp?) of the staind variety. There's something about html and staind that I find comforting.
Hell, I just find staind comforting.
I'm experiencing what I'm now calling abandonment. I'm going to probally piss alot of you off. But, tough.
I'm here alone.
Yes alone.
Sure I have my family; which grows disfunctional by the day. And I have Jacob, I love the guy. He's everything he can be and more to me. But, I have no real friends.
Before you start throwing me a pitty party, I'm not tugging at your pant leg screaming be my friend. Far cry. But what I am saying, is that I have no one to confide in.
I suppose my friendship warranty has burned out.
I talk, complain, confide, and cry to the same people over and over. I'm not sure what the actual problem is. I just know I have no one to talk to anymore.
I am overwhelmed with everything. I need someone to talk to. But when I reach out, I get a busy signal, an away message, a shrug of the shoulder, and a pat on the back saying it will all work out in the end.
I know it will work out in the end you crap nugget. What I don't know is how to get to "THE END". Or better yet, what to do NOW.
I am exhausted. I'm in bed nearly everynight by 9:30pm and I wake up at 5:50am everyday, go to school where I deal with the stress of being a senior. That alone is enough to deal with. (To make it easier on my less avid readers, I've put the main idea of each paragraph in bold before it starts.)
FRIENDS(?)
I am not feeling loved by any of you lately. I am ignored, or avoided, or just simply not included into conversations, plans, and just a general disappearance for the role that I played before with you. It's pissy. I'm so alone right now. I just really feel that way. I just want to lock myself into my room and cry a while longer. I miss all of you, and I'm just not feeling any of the love back.
I DON'T WANT/EXPECT SOME PITTY PARTY THING.
SEXUALITY
On top of this. I deal with my sexuality. Which is becomming an ever present issue for me. I'm "officialy" 'out' online. But as for in person. Few that I hold near and dear to me know. Jacob knows. Michael, this guy in GSBA (gay, straight, and bisexual aliance) knows and encourages me to jon GSBA, but, am I ready to deal with the consequences that will come? I have openly homophobic teachers, and classmates. As one person in a class of mine put it. "There should be open season on gays." How am I supposed to respond to that? I get so mad I just cry. I don't know what else to do. Teachers, administration and staff are all too shady to deal with. It's eating me alive. I'm about to come out, and I know the end result will be hard.
COLLEGE
College. (Am I even spelling that right?) I am filling out more applications then I ever will. Scholarships, Fin. Aid, College apps.
"Write a breif paragraph on what you would do if you won the Nobel Peace Prize."
I don't even know where to begin. First off if I won that thing, I sure as hell wouldn't be filling out a college app. I'd probally be sitting arround with my little hunk of metal waiting arround for my Barbra Walters interview.
"James is 10% denser then the fraction of the angle of oxygens atomic weight. He has purple shoes. Tell us in your own words, about democracy, and why or why not it should/shouldn't be challenged. Use y=mx+b."
All this for your $5,000 scholarship? By the time I figure it out I will of made that much $. Hell, as soon as I figure out the awnser, I'll sell it to college bound kids...I'll make millions. Until they change the question and I'm out of work. Again. Speaking of....
WORK
I work 38 hours next week. I'll choke when I get my paycheck, but I'm going to be more tired then ever before. Then, after christmas, chanaka, kwanza, brown paper bag day, and i-dont-know-what-i-celebrate-but-gimmie-presents-day; I am out of work. Yes, turned out that the job is seasonal. Suck ass. So I'll be looking for another job, which means more interviews, job applications, and learning a whole new set of company policys, etc.
I'm hurt. That's all I'm tyring to convey to you I guess. 90% of you are pissed. Go bitch about it in the guestbook.
Until further notice, I am taking a leave of absence. Everyone has been taken off my visable list. On the occasion that I am online, and want to talk, I will. If not, then just wait.
That's what I've been doing.
"There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every breath I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me."
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Visit Jacob and Shannon's wedding page
Last 5:
older isn't always wiser - Wednesday, Jan. 25, 2006
- - Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2006
- - Sunday, Dec. 04, 2005
I'm maried!!! - Monday, Sept. 19, 2005
Next week I'll be a wife - Monday, Sept. 05, 2005
