when it rains
It fucking pours.
Everyone has had that pit in their stomach. You know the one. When you get bad news...
And with that, the actual entry starts.
My Mom went to the doctor about a month ago. They "froze" what they call "pre-cancerous" cels from her Uterus. They told her that she needed to come back for 4 follow-up visits, and if each of those came back with no new growth, then she was OK. A few weeks ago, she went for her first follow-up. And, the test came back negative. I couldn't of been more relieved. (Unless I was in her shoes of course.)
So last night, Jacob and I met her and her date for a drink. My Mom looked like she had a lot on her mind (and boy did she ever). So when we were leaving the bar, she told me that she went for her second follow-up, and they told her that more "moderate to heavy pre-cancerous" cels had shown up.
I almost fell over. I almost stopped breathing. But, I knew that I had to remain semi-composed. That was, until I got back to the safety of the car. Where I just let it all out. I must have cried for just hours. Why my Mother? I mean, everyone says that about their family, "why me?" But in all seriousness, WHY? Hasn't my Mother been through enough in her life? In the past 5 years?? I felt so fucking bad after we left. And, I had to go back into work that night to approve payroll. Like I could almost concentrate.
While we were at the bar, my Mom told me that Chris had stole her ATM card the other day. And, that he had stole her purse from her - TWICE - that evening. She left the house without her keys, or purse. He had them both. He had said to her that night, 'If you bring your boyfriend here, I'll blow his fucking head off.' I felt even more nauseated. My moms boyfriend, Jacob, and myself all urged my Mom to call the police and have him arrested.
The next morning (today) my Mom called me at 8:30am. I was just about to get ready for work. She told me that Chris took over $1100 in ATM withdraws that evening. She also said that he didn't come home last night. So, she filed a missing persons report on him. She filed charges against him for credit fraud, and for a slew of other crimes. (Most she tells me, are felonys.) She is filing the paperwork to have him emancipated. She is filing a PFA (for those of you not "in the know" that is Protection From Abuse - AKA a restraining order) for both her and John. She is also planning on moving.
I am really proud of my Mom for standing up for herself and not taking that little fucks bullshit anymore. I would really just like all of you to know, that my brother started smoking pot (he says) when he was 9. He is now 15. He has spent a year in jail, has been charged for grand theft auto, possession of a controlled substance, possesion with intent to distribute, underage drinking, theft, and a ton of other things.
He started on pot. Harmless fucking marijuana right?
He only weighs 98 pounds. He is up all night, and all day, like a crack fuck. He doesn't eat. He's making crystal meth, smoking banana peels, fucking with exploives, (salt peter?), blowing glass, stealing from retail stores (best buy, grocery stores - mostly liquor, cars, cel-phones, propane, I could go on and on, but I think you get my gist), he stole all of my Mother's jewlery, her credit cards, countless amounts of money, an mp3 player of mine, and he even got John high enough to pass out last new years eve. John was 10. My Mother was scared shitless. She almost killed him.
I just really hope she follows through with her intentions. I honestly fear for hers and Johns life on a day to day basis. I am not affraid of Chris, just fearful for my family. I know that the stress can't be good for my Mom in the state that she is in. It really just can't be.
I also fear the worst. IF my Mom were to die. I would lose my whole family. My Grandmother (who doesn't talk to me anymore because she thinks I stole all that $ from her, remember??) John would be the only one left. And, I would be his next of kin. I would be his guardian. I would be a parent. I would be scared out of my mind. I can't immagine planning another one of my parents funerals. I had a small hand in my Father's plans. But, my Mom. Well, I know that she has a burial plot in PA with my Dad's ashes. She also told me she wants creamated......
I can't believe I am even typing this. It makes me so fucking sad and alone. So very alone. When I was living with my Mom, we weren't so close. I mean, we talked a lot, but, we weren't like CLOSE. But, after I moved out, and we both had time, and space. Apart. We both started to understand a little bit more of each other. And, now I'm sorry that I never tried harder to begin with. Maybe, because I got older, and more patient, more understanding, and not some selfish know-it-all teenage agnst filled girl, I was able to do it only after I moved. All I know is that it's not too late.
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I'm maried!!! - Monday, Sept. 19, 2005
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my bridal shower is today... - Saturday, Aug. 27, 2005
