sexual identity
PrefaceAs my good friend Paul would say, "when it rains, it pours". Let the storm begin.
*This date serves as a personal message as to how long it actually took me to post this and how long ago I wrote it*
Sunday, September 24, 2000
Friends, Family, and Readers,
I just wanted to tell you that I love you and even though what I’m about to tell you may change how you feel about me. Nothing can change the love I have for you. And remember while you read this, I am still the same person you always knew. Here is a box of kleenx. If you want to use them to wipe your tears or to throw them at me, they are yours. All I ask is that you don’t give them back.
From about second grade on, I knew I that what I was feeling was different from everyone else. All of my girl friends talked about boys and how they were cute, and how who liked whom. But no one ever talked about another girl being cute, or liking them. I said I thought a girl was pretty. They made fun of me and I just pushed those thoughts off to the side because I was laughed at. I thought it was wrong to be that way and I was stupid for thinking that.
Now that I am almost 18, I know that was the biggest mistake I ever made. I was denying who I am. I held it in and kept it all to myself. I hid it because I was ‘taught’ by my peers that it was bad. I pushed those thoughts into the very back of my mind. I ignored them. I become a bigot. I was afraid of myself, but only because my peers made me this way. I wasn’t homophobic, but just thought the idea of being ‘gay’ was shameful, bad, and just wrong. I was almost sickened by the idea of it.
Almost 5 years later, I couldn’t push those thoughts and feelings down anymore. They surfaced and demanded to have attention paid to. I did, and this started a downward spiral in my life. I attempted suicide, more then once. I wasn’t ever happy. And why? So that some ignorant little rich kid could tell me that what I was feeling was wrong or bad? I decided that it wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I finally admitted to myself that I was bisexual.
I didn’t dare to come out to anyone for fear of being ridiculed, not being accepted, being wrong, or bad. I kept the feelings I would have for girls hidden deep in myself, but I wasn’t hiding it from myself like I had in the past. I hadn’t attempted suicide, I was happy, and I was on the path to becoming who I am.
In the last year, I have become more open to myself and now to others about my sexuality. I want those to know me, to know me. I don’t want to put on this fake persona of who I am afraid not to be. I am finally living. Just as clarification, my sexual preference is not all that makes me. It is not solely who I am. If someone were to ask “well then, who are you?” I would first say that I am a senior in high school, I am almost 18, I am a daughter, I am a sister, a girlfriend, I am a best friend, a good listener, and a horrible speller.
P.S. If you didn’t already know. I have a boy friend now. =) Who I love VERY much.
FAQ:
How long have you known?
Since second grade, I admitted it to myself in seventh grade and never knew what to call it until about tenth grade.
Is it possible that your bisexuality is just a phase?
Well, lets turn this question around, just to be fair ok? *ahem* “Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase?” Now that you know how ridiculous it sounds the answer is no. I have thought this out for a long time and this is who I am.
I don’t think you are bi.
Yes I am. I’ve known a little longer then you…
Are you SURE?
OOOOOOOOH yeah.
How do you have sex with another girl?
I DON’T ASK YOU WHAT YOU DO IN BED!!!!!
What does it feel like to be bisexual?
Well, let me turn the tables again. “How does it feel to be heterosexual?” I have never been any other way then this so I couldn’t tell you.
You don’t look bisexual.
Who does? You never know may or may not be bisexual, gay or lesbian. Homosexual people look just like heterosexuals. I mean, I had you going this whole time. ;) .
Have you told your family (Mom) yet?
No, I haven’t. Although My Mom has already openly said that if any of her children ‘turn out to be gay’ she would still love them the same. Parents may say that and then if it is actually happening do something totally the opposite. I love my Mom and trust her 110+%, but until I am self-sufficient or know that I have some place to go, then I’m not telling…well, not yet anyway, things may change.
There is FAR too much to discuss about this issue in one diary entry. If you want to know more about me, my sexuality or any thing else, just email me. If you want to tell me that I’m going to hell or I’m sick or damned or whatever. Feel free to do so. It encourages me to educate the ignorant and piss off the insistent.
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