look forward to failure
Ugh.
Just called mom. Ugh. Nuff said about that.
I'm reading Bridget Jones's Diary. I sympathize with her really I do. I've somehow aged prematurely and I have now become age 42 (as opposed to yesterday a mere 38!).
Last night, (much like the past 30 days) I felt uberly alone. (is that even whta to call it??) Jacob read my dairy out of my own stupidity? And, he no longer wants me to ever cook him dinner again, blah blah blah. And he procedes to go about the "lets count how many people love you game" after me crying for 20 minutes with bits of snot and 'nobody loves me anymore' interludes. He gave up after I said that the dog didn't count. (BTW, count of people stands at 3, Jacob being one of them.)
As Bridget would say, "God I need a fag!" "MUST HAVE A FAG!!!" "Where is a fag when you need one?" Yeah well. I need like, 5 fags. (six would be a big too queeny don't you think?) Ugh.
I've come to the not so new realization that I no longer have a life. I work at a software corporation. 60 hours a week. I cook/go out to dinner. I eat. I work out 2xs a week. I spend quality time with Jacob for an hour (cept thursdays... Survivor is on.) usally playing uno, monopoly, life, magic, etc etc. Then, he tucks me in, and I am asleep at 9/9:30. I wake up at 6am and am at work at 7am. The obese cafeteria man smiles at me and tells me how pretty I look today. I gag. You know, he dosen't sweat. He rains. I can't remember HTML code anymore. Christ. All because of stupid code wright and stupid stupid sisgml html editors at work. stupid stupid tools.
Jacob says I'm tired because I'm not working out enough, and my metabolism is getting lower therefore making me more tired. I think I'm just wearing myself to the bones for everyone that dosen't care. Everyone. Fuck everyone.
I want to move back east. But I never want to leave here. Fuck am I talking about? I don't really want to move. I just want my life back.
Anyways, getting back to me sobbing/quivering/blowing snot outta my nose at a rate that would make a race car driver say 'slow down.' Jacob, trying to comfort me best he knows how, syas to me "If you can have ANYTHING in the world what would it be?"
After about .08 of a second, I start bawling/shaking/snifflin snot faster then the speed of light. All I could think of is wanting my lfie back. Going out on Fridays to Eat n Park. Stealing Moms car to see Paul at 4am. Flashing EVERY SINGLE CAR on I-70. The big red van of love. How Jen used to care. How you used to.
But, I'm the emotional fuckwittage here. I'm the one who packed and set up shop out here. I love San Diego. Not California. But San Diego. I don't like LA (smog, traffic, nobody can drive, etc.) San Francisco is cold. (mmm but full of wonderous fags!) I belong here. My roots are somewhere else. But damnit. I love San Diego. Its the end of October, And, I'm still wearing tanktops out to BBQ's. Yes. Jacob and I are going to a BBQ that a co-worker of mine is hosting on Nov. 3. It's getting a bit nippy nowadays. 60.
In writing all of this, and having Bridget comfort me, I realize wthat I will never have my 'life' back. Because I neer really had one there. You all lied.
<--Was * Is-->
Visit Jacob and Shannon's wedding page
Last 5:
- - Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2006
- - Sunday, Dec. 04, 2005
I'm maried!!! - Monday, Sept. 19, 2005
Next week I'll be a wife - Monday, Sept. 05, 2005
my bridal shower is today... - Saturday, Aug. 27, 2005
