addiction
"I sat and stared at the sky. I knew I'd find myself there again. I wonder how else, to cope with the air. The air that brings me this luck. I'm unlucky, that's just me. Seems what used to be has changed. I feel it coming again, I feel it coming with the wind. I feel it coming again, I feel it breaking with the waves. The waves. And I know, I won't feel it again if I just played along. Stupid games are for stupid people and they end just like a song. A song with no beginning. A song that has no meaning. Just like this one." New Found Glory - 2's and 3's
Christ, it's that time again, yes the time where everythign is going pretty well, and then, BAM!*@& crashing hault. This morning, my Mom woke me up at 6, and I'm all wtf. Since I had 3 more hours to sleep, and she's like, "Your grandma doesn't want you or the kids to visit anymore. When you were out there, someone broke into her safe and stole $5,000. She thinks it was one of you."
I know, that I didn't steal it. I have more respect and decency, and morals, then to steal from my grandmother. I also know, that my brother is a drug addict. Cocaine, weed, acid, 'e', crack, you name it, he's done it. 'except for herion man, herion is a serious drug, not like the other kind.' fuck. what the piss is going through his head? My mom is stuck in upper middle white suburbia land. I'm convinced that it HAS to be shock sheer shock that is keeping my mother from realizing what is/has been going on.
For the record, my brother started his habit shortly after my Dad died. Myself, and my mother have cought him several times. He's been in re-hab, and well, we see how well that worked. We have tried everything. Nothing works with him. Its sad. I have thrown out countless bongs, pills, baggies, lighters, pipes, papers, bowls, etc. and for every 1 I throw out, he brings in 4 more.
I'm totally and utterly convinced that he took the $ from my grandmother. He owes a dealer close to $1300. My brother traded the dealer my littlest brother's(9) bicycle, 2 scooters, 4 skateboards, a few cds, his brand new BMX bike (worth about $700), some polo jeans, my mothers engagement ring, the last neckolace my father bought for my mother, WEEKS BEFORE HE DIED and, god knows I'm missing around $200, and my mp3 player with a Big Memory Card.
Today, I have completely washed my hands of him. When I lost a family member, someone so dear to me as my grandma. I can't forgive, or love him anylonger. My father disowned his sister. I NEVER understood how you can disown a sibiling.
Today I learned how. The hurt is so great. I don't want my grandmother to die, thinking I am a theif. To add to it, my family, on that side of the country refuses to talk to any of us. It's shit. In the purest form I know of. It simply is. Life isn't fair, I learned this concept at about 2. I learned how unfair at 12. And since I've learned that. The only thing it has enabled me to do is live. Without a few invidivuals, I would probally not have made it this far. I don't want a pitty fuckin party, but, I've had a harder life then most of you out there. It makes me stronger each time something happens and I get over it. But, when it happens, I am devistated. I finally stopped crying, from 6 this morning about an hour ago. 5 hours. Solid tears. My eyes at this point are barely functioning. I threw up twice. I'm shaking, and I just want the hurt to stop. I can feel my father dying over and over and over and over again. The pain I felt when he died. I am feeling it again.
IT HURTS WORSE THEN ANYTHING YOU CAN EVER BEGIN TO FATHOM IN THE DEEPEST REIGNS OF HELL.
I hope, if any of you out there have a loved one, that is in anyway connected with abusing a substance, alcohol, illegal drugs, whatever. I URGE YOU. To PLEASE help that person to get away from that kind of lifestyle. If that person refuses to change, or doesn't want to, or continues the habit, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE; say goodbye to that person. It will only cost you dearly in the end. I am finding out the hardest way right now. I lost my whole family because of my brother.
I am going to the police station tommorow and I am going to get a polygraph test. I will probally drain my bank account, but, I want to send the results to my grandmother. Even if she doesn't accept them, I will have at least the peace of mind knowing that I made the best attempt I could at showing her that I don't steal. And I would never ever hurt her.
Alcoholics Anonymous
Narcotics Anonymous
I love all of you.
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