hurt
In about 9 days (give or take), I'll be shipping myself off, 3,000 miles away. I've been feeling really sick lately. Maybe it's because I'm realizing my losses as well as my gains. Or maybe it's that intimidating 3,111 kids at school, or maybe it's that in less then a year I will be graduating, or maybe it's what everyone may or may not know. That I have actual commitment when I go out there. I met someone when I went out for spring break. We connected. Not just normal connection, but sparked. Being with Jacob made me feel like I was O.K. I never feel self concious with him, I almost feel like he looks up to me, that THIS time, someone is doing everything for me. Instead of me doing everything for them. I care for Jacob alot, but, he "loves me alot" and I don't know how to deal with it. I say it back, but I wonder if it even has any meaning to it. I guess I'm giving him empty hope. I don't know how to handle someone (oppisite sex) "loving me". It's alot of confusion, sickness, fear, and anxiety mixed in. I guess you could say I'm afraid to love, but that's not it, nor am I afraid to fall in love. Because the above have all happened. But, I am afraid to be loved. In all of my experiences, love has been a direct connection with pain. (my dad, my grandmother, numerous friends and ex bfs). So I am afraid to let someone else in, to be vournable, to let them have that 'power' over me, to be able to make me so happy, then crush me like a bug the next.
When I met him on spring break, I told him that my family might move to CA. At that time it was just a joking idea, now, it has quickly become a reality. I was never prepared for this to happen. And, of course, like everything, it did.
Now, what I said earlier about a commitment, is just that. Not like I'm getting married, but, Jacob has been thinking that we have been together all this time. I however, have considered him a great friend, whom I will cherish forever. Call it what you will, I don't like titles.
Moving on to the next subject at hand.
Have you ever forgave a person over and over and over and then come to the realization that, you cannot forgive them anymore, no matter what? I think part of my ill feeling is partly from that concept. SOMEONE whom I TRUSTED, LOVED, and CARED for, has lost it all. They brought everything upon theirselves. I am just sick of dealing with the consequences of it all. It's a shame, they only had 9 more days to pretendbefore they could go on hurting me. But, they decided that 9 days was too long.
I can't escape from your words for any length of time. The only escape is to hide through sleep, noise, any way to keep from facing myself or any reality but even hiding is difficult. I keep wanting to say things, but there's nothing for me to say, nothing I can say.
<--Was * Is-->
Visit Jacob and Shannon's wedding page
Last 5:
- - Tuesday, Jan. 24, 2006
- - Sunday, Dec. 04, 2005
I'm maried!!! - Monday, Sept. 19, 2005
Next week I'll be a wife - Monday, Sept. 05, 2005
my bridal shower is today... - Saturday, Aug. 27, 2005
